At one time I didn’t want to stay still. I woke up early and had so many things to do starting from playing mobile games to doing physical works. Though tired, I felt content. So many things have changed over the last couple of years. I became what I thought was tragic when I saw someone like me then.
There were days when I couldn’t even get up. That was not because I was ill. That was entirely because I just didn’t want to. The changes crept in me and nested itself so deep in my soul, I couldn’t even tell if it was still the same person I was few years ago.
I played soccer, went out with friends, got drunk, did my assignments on time. If you knew me back then and if you look at me now, you would for sure feel like you are meeting a new, dead from inside kind of a stranger. I was once a confidently active person. I failed so many times that it changed me into a dark timid soul.
The year was 2003 when my father got transferred from Thimphu (Chamgang to be precise) to Mongar. It was new place, new school and definitely new faces. First day of school everyone was nice. First week was great too. Then on the second week, a group of boys, a grade senior than I was, cornered me. They frisked me and took my belongings. Of course I was scared. I tried to talk back but it got me punched in the face. That was my first instance of being bullied.
At one stage or another you, me and everyone has been bullied. Bullying comes in many forms starting from simple snatching of pencil at our kindergarten stages to being physically abused. Getting beaten, ragged and physical abuses are the only things that everyone perceives on hearing the word “Bullying”. We are acquainted with physical form of bullying at our earlier stages. However at the stage where we are right now, we understand the more detrimental form of bullying are the ones that don’t hurt physically but mentally.
It doesn’t matter when you were born. 1995, 1996, 2001, 2005, it doesn’t matter. From the time before you were even born, our parents invest their invaluable time, love and money in us. Of course there isn’t even a slightest of intention for wanting those investments back from us. But it should be our prime responsibility to give them what they gave us.
Growing up we all have dreams for our parents or for anyone who have had your back. To this day I remember telling my parents I would send them to Bodh Gaya (A religious pilgrimage site where the Lord Budhha attained enlightenment.). I feel ashamed whenever I think about it. Just to even think of the smile they had when I said this and then realise I have failed in doing this, it causes me great pain. Not only did I fail at this, but also became a burden, a liability to my family.
I have been called a big failure my entire life. I have failed so many times in my life. So much so that I honestly believed, at one point, that it was my destiny to fail and I was born just to withhold the tagline “FAILURE”. For a common man with no job or money like me, failure becomes our best friend. We start our day, live through the day and bid goodnight to the day WITH failure.
In the year 2013, I couldn’t make it to any colleges. That was the starting point of my major failures in my life. Little did I know that I would face bigger failures in years to come. I was young and immature to study hard. That was my reason for my failure. Of course it was hard to see my other classmates move on with their lives going to colleges. The following year, however, I got through to a decent college undertaking Bachelors in Forestry Course under College of Natural Resources.
I once read, on the last page of one of the books (I can’t remember the name of the book though.) in the library of the college I studied in, where someone wrote “What is the saddest thing in life? An aloof body with mind in solitude.” I lacked the intelligence to understand it then, but I realize what it meant now. Mental Stress is a very ugly thing to feel. Everytime I tried to take a step or even thought about what I could do to better my mind, it sucked the energy and hopes right out of my body and made me so exhausted trying to even think about it.
When I was going through those dark periods, I had lost all my appetite due to the fact that I didn’t financially earn the food I had to eat. I ate very less and sulked over it very long and deep. I did feel hungry but the way I felt then, made it impossible to swallow the food though, at times, I managed to chew it. I was hungry, grumpy and mentally breaking apart.
Get up at 7 am in the morning, brush my teeth, wear my Gho, have my nutritional breakfast and then school was where I went. The days used to be jolly with seldom scolding’s from the teachers for not writing the homework or sometimes for putting a frog in my classmates shirt. The days were great and the nights in my comfy bed were relaxing. Life was perfect.
So many years have passed since then. Its 7 am in the morning now. I wake up solemnly hoping for a brighter day. I brush my teeth, wash my face and I stare into my own reflection in the mirror blankly staring back at me with my lips trying hard to form a smile without dexterity or reason for one.